"Heron Today Gone Tomorrow"

Just to prove these things ONLY happen to me...I'll start with the "heron story".

I have this terriffic '85 model GMC Sierra shortbed truck. My dad built it when I was twelve and gave it to me when I was sixteen. It used to be a hotrod...but thats a rabbit we'll chase another day. I also used to live in a trailer park on a narrow country road, the kind with no lines on the outside...and no shoulder either for that matter. I was driving down this narrow country road (in north Louisiana, did i mention that?) one evening, it was "just thinkin' 'bout gettin' dark" outside and all of a sudden I see what I reckon to be a suicidal Blue Heron ( you know...BIG, long skinny neck and legs, like to hang out in swamps and shallow water? ) I reckoned him to be suicidal on account of how he was just chillin' in the dead middle of the road like it was his grandma's porch or somethin'. Now you can't see it since you're readin' this but I have "SUCKER" printed on my forehead big as day so I stopped (in the road mind you, there is no shoulder) and turned on my flashers and started shoeing him out of the road. Now, it occurred to me that there was something wrong after a few minutes because on top of the fact that this bird (who was ALOT bigger in real life than in pictures or when standing out in the pond) was not flying, he was falling over alot...like every-few-steps kind of alot. So being the upstanding redneck that I am, I decided he must have the bird flu and needed to be taken off the streets so as not to infect anyone (no, I wasn't worried about me, I'm invincible.) I promptly tackled the bird and nearly got pinched to death (by now this bird is much MUCH bigger than he looked a few minutes ago)BUT...I too have watched my share of "The Crocodile Hunter" and being as industrious as I am I snatched my scrunchie out of my hair and wrapped it around his beak. Now I was only being bludgeoned to death but at least I was holding my own. I somehow managed to wrestle this thing out of the ditch and back to my (terriffic) truck when I realised since there was no shoulder I was now holding up traffic who could not go around my truck because I have been wrestling with a very large flu infested bird in the only other lane. They didn't seem to mind much though on account of how (I'm sure) they had never seen a little curly haired southern girl wrestle a blue heron in the middle of the road before. Anyway, I managed to get this monster to my truck, open the door, (without dropping him) and uncerimoniously "huck" him inside...with my rather sheepish dog who promptly got pecked in the forehead and tried to dig her way out of the bottom of my truck. In order to save my poor dog I slammed my drivers side door, and went hood sliding to the other side just in time to open the other door, snatch her out, fling her in the bed of the truck and slam the door shut again. Then I realised I had just shut a very large angry bird inside the cab of my truck and there was no good way to get back inside without getting pecked to death....and I was still blocking one whole side of the road. So, like any sweet faced southern girl would do I called my husband:
"um....Baby, I need some help."

"whats wrong? Are you allright?"

" yeah, I'm fine...(in all seriousness) but I've got a Blue Heron in the cab of my truck and he won't let me back in"

(silence)

" um....Baby? are you still there?"

(peals of laughter)

"ok, thats fine...laugh. just have the dog kennel ready when i finally manage to get home."

"(laughter) oh, my God! (more laughter) It's like being married...(still laughing) to a 'Ripley's Believe it or Not' commercial..."

Then, not having any other ideas (and still blocking the road) I pony'ed up, put my leather coat over my head, jumped in, and peeled out for home.
I don't remember how we got the bird in the kennel but I remember it not being fun. Afterwards I started calling anyone I could think of to find out what to do with it...vets, wildlife and fisheries, shelters, they all talked to me with the "special baby" tone (you know, the tone you use with REALLY bright people) and told me it was illegal to keep it confined and I should turn it loose. No one seemed as concerned with bird flu as I was. I researched bird flu on the internet and found out the bird had to be dead before it could be tested and I really wans't up for that so I put him in the dog pen in the yard with food and a pool of water...TECHNICALLY he was free because all he had to do was fly away right? Right! Did I mention I lived in a trailer park? It wasn't long before we were the talk of the...well....the park. EVERYBODY wanted to come over, you'da thought they'ed never seen one of these things before.
Life went on like that for about a week and then one day my husband called me at work:
"Sugar I think you're bird is dead."

"Why do you think that...he never moves much."

"Yeah but he's been on his back with his feet in the air for fourty-five minutes...he's never done that before."

And that was the end of the Heron...no, he didn't have the bird flu, BUT there is a moral to the story....

Heron today...Gone tomorrow. (did I mention I like bad puns)