darkness and black cat sickness

ok...this one happened tonight.

See, I have this car, it's a 96 pontiac grand prix sports edition coupe. I have totaled it twice so while it used to be teal, it is now teal with the black hood of a 96 gtp. That fact is not relevant to this story, what is relevant is the fact that since I have totaled it twice and I am lazy I have never adjusted the headlights, so they point in all sorts of obscure directions and are next to worthless on roads with no streetlights. Wow, I think that sentence had too many ands in it.

Now then, I currently am the hostler (pronounced "ostler" meaning I take care of the horses) at a local ranch and tonight when I tried to leave the ranch my car wouldnt start. This was rather distracting and I am sure if I had not been distracted I would have remembered ( before i got out of the driveway) that I had left my purse sitting on a chair in the barn. I did get my car started, I did not remember the purse. This was a problem because my Beretta was in my purse (I know, I was horrified, that is the first time that has happened.) When I got home my husband fixed the problem with my car and I promptly jumped back in the car and took off to get my purse.

This is where the story gets interesting, you see while my husband was fixing my car I picked up, and was loving on, our outside cat. This cat is disgusting. He jumped into my husband's lap months ago while my husband was at a job. He has been with us ever since. This cat is polydactyl meaning he has 6 toes on each front foot. (all of our animals are goofy like that, we call ourselves the "save a misfit foundation") This cat has long fluffy black hair and because he insists that he is an outdoor cat his long black fluffy hair is constantly full of sticks and dead bugs and hitchhikers. This cat refuses to gain weight so he looks like a pile of bones draped with hide AND to top it all off...he stinks. Not like "ew whats that smell" but like "oh my God how long has that cat been dead, why dont you bury it?" kind of stink. We love him.

So I am standing holding this cat telling my husband that I'll be right back, I didn't even think about it I just put him in my lap (the cat, not the husband) and went. He was fine, we got to the barn, I got my purse, we started back to the house. The only problem was that there is a very long, very dark, stretch of road where there was no shoulder (no, different road, I just have a penchant for finding these roads) and no streetlights. I was struggling to see ahead of me and periodically being blinded by everyone else's headlights and so far this cat was not bothering me at all. until suddenly he starts talking:

"rrrrroooooOOOOOOOOwwwwwwlllll"

(squinting and trying desperately not to run off the road) "whats wrong kitty?"

"rrrrrroooooOOOOOoooOOOOOWWWWwwwll"

Then it started. You know that "bbrrrrrpppp" noise that cats and dogs do when they dry heave? Yeah, so what DOES one do when one is hurtling through the darkness at 50mph and theres no place to pull off? Me? I fell out laughing as this cat, who smells like rotten ass at the best of times vomited repeatedly on my lap. I didn't even have time to grab anything to put IN my lap. It was "man up" or huck the cat out the window and like I said, We love him.